How to become a President

So, my son, you are contemplating a career in business? Wrong. I’m going to teach you how to be a politician. Remember when you lied about throwing the ball through the window and I punished you? Do you remember how mad you were? Well, my son, prepare yourself for a career where deceit goes unpunished.

Don’t roll your eyes at me. You need to get in the mindset of success. I want this family to be known. I want this family to be remembered. Congratulations, because you are going to make that happen.

Let’s get you out of those jeans and t-shirts. You need to dress classier. Cut the mop growing from your head. Slick your hair back. No shine means no time; face time that is. What? A state school? I didn’t realize Harvard was a state school, because that’s where you’re going.

Here’s your dorm. Looks good, right? Hell, I might even just stay here with you. I’m just kidding, but seriously, maybe I will. After all, we can’t have you slacking off. Pre-law is the only avenue for instant, political success. You made a wise choice, even if I made it for you. You will be taking part in extracurricular activities; I’ve already signed you up for the debate club, a fraternity, the baseball team, and community service at the children’s hospital. What? You won’t have any time? Make time.

All done with your first year? 3.8? I would have had a 3.9. You’ll be ok though, just don’t let it slip. I’ve heard good things about you from some doctors and nurses down at the hospital. I said good, not great. Fix that. You look exhausted. You should really try to get more sleep. Not now, but whenever you retire.

Ah, so you’re all graduated now, huh? 3.9? I would have had a 4.0. Good thing you got in to Yale law. All the great politicians went to Yale. Three more years and you’ll be ready for the big time.

How’s Yale? Oh…it’s been a little difficult? It should be really difficult. You need to start establishing a rapport with some well-known professors. Go talk to the dean. Tell them about yourself. Tell them about how you are passionate for politics. Tell them about how you are known to stand your ground. Tell them that you are capable of making big decisions without pressure from others. Dean’s love that.

You need to get yourself in to a perennial clerkship. You can’t be seen working for a small-time firm. You need big, for your future. I also expect you to attain another volunteer duty at the local children’s hospital. You have past experience. They will love you. No time? Make time. This is for your future.

Last year. Almost finished. Your grades have been a bit lackluster. 3.75? I would have had a 3.8. You’ll be ok though. A girlfriend? This does not bode well for your future. A what?! She’s a journalist major? Cut her off. It doesn’t matter if she’s sweet and wholesome, she’ll turn on you. She’ll reveal secrets. It’s ok though, we caught it early.

Ah, big time graduate. My son, juris doctorate. I bet you are relieved. Time for a little R&R? Wrong. You have an interview with the state legislator tomorrow. You have to get in when the getting’s good. You can’t be floundering in some law firm for the next 10 years. You’re destined for great things. Luckily, I have an in with this legislator, so you’re a lock.

What? The interview didn’t go well? You didn’t say that you were really passionate about the country? About politics? It’s ok; I’ll have a word with him.

Good thing the other applicant backed out. You had no competition. Basically, this job revolves around you doing other people’s work; copying, filing, appointments, these are just examples. Of course you could have made more working at the firm. The firm wouldn’t get you in to politics. I can. The legislator can.

You really need to keep working hard; harder, in fact. I keep hearing good things; I need to hear great things. Start talking to some other officials. Make your name known. Be proud of your name. Present a good hand shake. Politicians love a good hand shake. Make eye contact. Smile when necessary. Show those pearly whites. Flirt if you have to. No grab-ass, though; at least not in public.

You need to run for this mayoral position. It would be perfect for you. Long hours, decent pay; this has your name written all over it. Plus, imagine the publicity you’ll receive. You’re a handsome kid. Not quite as handsome as your father, but you’ll get there. The public loves a handsome politician.

Land-slide win. I knew you could do it. You weren’t raised to be a failure. You really need to find yourself a wife. No respectable politician is single, although most act like it. That should be you. Single, but married. Keep that between us, though.

A wife and two kids…you sure have grown. There’s a Senate seat opening up, get your name in the mix. You’ve done well in the mayoral seat. A few mishaps, but you fought through it. I guess money does buy freedom.

Another land-slide win. You are just bowling over the competition. You need to work harder though. If you’re sleeping for 6 hours, you’re not going to make it. All work, no sleep; that should be your mantra. Perform well in the Senate and you’ll be well on your way to the presidency.

You need to start partaking in some big bill creations. You co-write a bill, you co-write your way in to the oval office. You can do it. Ask your peers, they’re always looking for some assistance. If they’re not, you’ve got the trust fund. Just kidding, don’t try and bribe. Oh I did? Oops, my elbow must have just bumped you on accident.

Your name is really starting to become popular. I’ve heard many people talk about how you should run for president. “You’re a great man,” they say. Start campaigning. Oh no, no, just tell them what they want to hear. After all, once you’re elected, what can they do? Be charming, be charismatic, be witty, and be intelligent. When it’s time for the debates, keep reiterating a topic that makes your opponent look bad. The public loves that. They love to be reminded. They are, after all, naïve.

Another land-slide victory. You really did it. I hope you’re ready to lead this nation. Ready to show them that you’re capable of thinking for yourself. Capable of making the big decisions. After all, this is the career you wanted.